As was H.P. Lovecraft, I am definitively a “cat guy.” I never really liked dogs. When a cat wreaks havoc on a human, it’s usually not too bad – a few bloody scratches that were probably doled out for a good reason. No one hears of cats eating human’s faces, and very few people throughout history have been killed or seriously mauled by a house cat.

Cats can’t be tamed by treats like one tames a dog, and a cat won’t condition its love or hatred for you so much on how much you feed it. Don’t feed a dog for a while and it becomes agitated and dangerous. Don’t feed a cat for a while and the cat assumes it’s just done a poor job hunting lately. Cats aren’t welfare animals and they might not sit by your grave when you die, but that’s respectable – cats move on with their 20 or so year existence and don’t waste it hoping their old master will pop out of the grave to dish out bacon and throw sticks.

Cats are clean, they don’t drag their assholes across your rug or come in your house filthy. It ticks them off to be filthy, and because they’re not welfare animals they clean themselves and don’t expect you to corral them into a tub. Cats rarely smell or aim terrible breath at your face while you try to eat.

People extol the genius of dogs all over the world, but cats aren’t stupid. They do what they want, that doesn’t make them dumb; it just means they can’t be easily

He went through the trouble, at least pick it up and take a good bite before chucking it

He went through the trouble, at least pick it up and take a good bite before chucking it

influenced to act like slaves who perform tricks on command for crumbs. One time I bought a new kitten, and it got stuck way the hell up in a huge oak tree. My older cat, by about 1 year, climbed up the tree and showed the kitten how to get itself down. He perceived the problem and not only solved it, but taught the little guy how to solve the problem himself. The older cat also pulled off this sweet ninja move the night before, heroically rescuing me from a mosquito by jumping on a lamp then squishing it against the ceiling with one of its paws. Dogs can’t do that, and if they could, you’d have to spend months training them to do it and have a stash of treats on hand to reward it, or else it’d say “screw you” the next time a mosquito invaded your dwellings.

You can use a dog to hunt, but a cat will do all the hunting by himself. Sure, you might find a mole on your pillow or a dead blue jay on the welcome mat outside your backdoor, but the cat is literally trying to provide you with sustenance. When does a dog willingly forgo food for a human’s sake? When does a dog, for no reason, completely untrained to do so, go out and slay a beast with its own bare paws for you to consume? Sure, cats might think we’re their pets, but when people bring me food and water at a restaurant, I consider them my server, so cats aren’t far off track in thinking that the folks who bring them food and water are servers of a sort too.



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